Both partners dig in their heels and defend their positions on issues fiercely. Yelling appears for the first time, if it ever will. Minor issues blow up into larger arguments. In short, Adjusting to Reality is the stage where the Real Relationship begins.Īs the disillusionment of the Adjusting to Reality stage deepens, the couple tends to have more disagreements. Suddenly the couple must learn how to deal with very real differences, how to deal with conflict, and how to integrate being an independent person as well as someone in an intimate relationship. It is the first time that fears of intimacy begin to arise. There is a desire to be close again but confusion as how to create that. In this stage, it is common to feel as if someone or something or even Life itself has cheated you or robbed you of something precious, almost like a stage of grieving the loss of something innocent and wonderful. Gradually each person is forced to relinquish some of their most cherished romantic fantasies, or to cling to them desperately in a state of denial. There is a sense that this person is not living up your hopes and dreams, and there is an accompanying loss of closeness. Conflicts, anxieties, disappointment and hurt replace the effortless flow of the Romantic stage. Differences which were previously obscured suddenly become visible. Whatever the cause, after the conflict occurs, it becomes impossible to continue the fantasy that this person and this relationship are immune from struggle, from effort, from reality. Sometimes it is planning a wedding, buying a house, or sharing finances. Sometimes it is an act of deception which is discovered. Sometimes the trigger is living together and having to share household chores and experiencing personal habits up close. But either way, something happens which causes a minor or major conflict in the new relationship. Sometimes it is a slow leak, other times a sudden and complete blowout. Inevitably, predictably, eventually, reality rears its (ugly?) head and the bubble bursts on the Romantic stage. This stage generally lasts from six months to two years, and is the SHORTEST stage of any of the stages of long-term committed relationships.Īh, reality. There is a belief that these feelings and experiences will go on forever, that ‘we will never disagree on anything’, and that somehow fate or forces larger than themselves have brought them together. Many people experience this as living in a state of near-constant bliss and infatuation. The partners think about each other constantly, and make much eye contact and are very affectionate when they are together. There is generally a high degree of passion and feelings and expressions of romance come easily and often. There is a belief and expectation that you will provide most or all of my wants, needs, desires. There is a tremendous emphasis on maximizing similarities and minimizing differences. I can give and receive love with little or no effort required. The feelings and perceptions that go through both people are that we are one we are the same. Romantic love is wonderful, easy, and effortless. This is the love that Hollywood loves to promote as the only kind of love. Not everyone goes through all the stages and some couples may go through them in a different sequence, but for most couples this is the normative experience in a long-term committed relationship. While theorists disagree on the exact name and number of the stages couples progress through, there is a general consensus that couples go through some version of the following stages. If you’d like help in applying the research on stages of long-term relationships to YOUR relationships, we can help! Contact us today to get started: What follows is a reality-based roadmap which comes from research into couples’ actual experiences of being in long-term relationships. Most of our culture’s roadmaps have emphasized fantasy, illusion and denial, and those who follow those maps will tend to have unhappy, conflict-ridden relationships. When attempting to create a loving, healthy intimate relationship, it is important to have an accurate roadmap for the journey.
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